Simon and I having been trying to have a baby for almost two years now. In short, it hasn’t happened, but the longer story is that it has been one of the most heartbreaking experiences I have ever had.
When I was young I sort of had a mini plan for my life, that plan included being married by 25 and having at least one child by the time I was 27. As I have gotten older and closer to 30, I have realized that my plan was a little silly, but it was still my plan. I am also realizing that God has a bigger plan for my life. I have held my plan very tightly with closed hands and slowly God is helping me unclench my fists and open my hands to something different.
I am still on the journey to discover this new plan, but I do have hope. My hope comes from how I know God is working on me and molding me into a woman that can contribute to friendships, my marriage, and to the world.
I went to a hymn sing last year during December with Sandra McCracken, this hymn resonated and stirred my soul. I keep a copy of it on my dresser so I can read it when I am having tough days. Here are my two favorite verses.
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not in vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
I know that God’s love will not let me go and that there is a promise of hope. I have debated long and hard about whether to blog about our infertility journey. I don’t want this part of my life to define me or be the only thing I talk about on a dailybasis. However, after thinking and praying about it, I have decided a couple of things.
First many people don’t discuss infertility because it can be awkward and embarrassing. After going through this experience for awhile I have discovered that Simon and I are not alone. Hopefully there are others who can benefit from my experiences on this journey.
Second, I believe that suffering is meant to be shared with others. I hope as I start sharing some of the stories from our experiences that others can laugh, cry, and learn with us. After all this is the point of writing that I teach my students about; to share your life experience with others.